A Cure for Co-Dependency: I Am Not Going to Like Everyone
Co-dependency revolves around the sentence: “I am not enough.” A co-dependent person needs another person to validate their worth, feelings, ideas and existence.
This need expresses itself in two ways.
People try to (a) control and manipulate their surroundings on one end or (b) bend over backward to make other people feel good, their reasoning being, “I can’t feel good if you don’t feel good.”
If you’ve ever felt that way, answer this question.
Would You Rather Be a Peach or a Coconut?
Before you answer, consider this.
A peach is beautiful on the outside, luscious and attractive, but bruises easily and is hard on the inside. A person who is like a peach is always trying to look good and be good to everyone but is getting hard on the inside, constantly feeling more bitter.
Telltale sentences include: “I do everything for everyone. Why doesn’t anyone do anything for me?” It’s easy to become hard on the inside if you’re waiting for the world to repay your kindness quid pro quo.
I have met many peaches in my workshops over the years; heck, I was one. Peaches abound in conventional caretaker industries; nurses, kindergarten teachers, coaches, yoga teachers, and social workers. They are good people trying to make a difference. Unfortunately, many have put on masks of gentleness, trying to please everyone they meet (which is impossible).
That’s where the coconut comes in. It’s hard and uninviting on the outside, but once you get past the shell, you find a haven of superb nourishment. A person who is more like a coconut may not bend over backward to make sure everyone likes her, but the people she lets through her shell are bathed with the same love and attention she nourishes herself with on the inside. The coconut is a reservoir. Internal feelings of self-worth and service orientation expand to the outside.
A Life-Changing Affirmation
Having seen the limits of living like a peach, I have chosen to be more like a coconut. The transition was far from easy. I needed to repeat the following affirmation near-daily for years and have since taught it to thousands of people with good results. It goes like this:
I am not going to like everyone,
not everyone is going to like me,
and that is OK.
Most people are quick to agree with the first part, that they will not like everyone. What naturally follows, however, is that not everyone is going to like them. That’s harder to swallow.
“But, I’m so likable!” people exclaim.
When I remind them (gently) that sometimes they don’t like others who have done nothing to deserve it, they go, “Oh, you mean people feel that way about me as well?” Yes. It’s a truth that, once accepted, makes life much easier. You just have to remind yourself that it’s OK.
How Does This Cure Co-Dependency?
When you accept the fact that not everyone is going to like you, it’s freeing. You stop trying to please everyone. Your self-worth is no longer tied with how others perceive you, how others feel, what others say, or how they look at you. You start looking inward for feelings of self-esteem.
I wish I could tell you that feelings of co-dependency will go away completely, but the treatment I’ve offered is more like allergy medicine than corrective surgery. Repeated regularly, the above-stated affirmation will lessen co-dependent feelings, helping you manage the problem rather than remove it. Still, for people who feel a constant need to please or control, that can be life-changing.
Gudjon Bergmann
Be Here Get There Coaching
www.beheregetthere.com
“Grounded coaching from a lifelong helper.”
